Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
