Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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