I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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