We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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