Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
