maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
