Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
