Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
You were trust falling into bushes
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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