I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
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