I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
