New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
