He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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