Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
