I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize