i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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