I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
