i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize