god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
