i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
