Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
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