I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
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