Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Randomize
