I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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