i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
