I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize