Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
