shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
