uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
