He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
