Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
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