he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Floor bacon is actually really good
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
