can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
