You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
