Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
