am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
