My sheets look like a crime scene.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
