she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Randomize
