just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
