jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
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