yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Its about making memories worth repressing
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Just high enough for therapy.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
