Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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