I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
