Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
