you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
