i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Randomize
