Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
