Kareoke will never be a sober sport
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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