By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Randomize
