We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
