I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
