I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
