I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Randomize