I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
