so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
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