He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
