Do you still have your period?
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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