you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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