my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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