I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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