So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
