3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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